The Walk

I have been staying real close to the word of God on a daily basis, to a point that whenever I am awake, I'll start reading the daily devotional or the Gospel. With the predicament that I am in, that's the only thing that is real to me, that keeps my sanity, that keeps me going & thriving to be alive.

For the past few months, I felt that I was losing my mind, losing myself & even losing my soul. I fought a defeated battle & was thrashed thoroughly to ruins. I almost or could have just lost my life to a fatal slit of the knife on myself. Geez... What did I do?? To the people whom have known me, this came as a shock to them. Many would ask, just what was it that had happened during these months, could have changed me - from someone who is tough, confident, capable, full of ambitions in life & relatively happy, to who I am today - a nobody. I am like a piece of debris picked from the ruins of my own destruction. A very painful destruction. A consequence that I have to pay with a very heavy, hefty price. Not monetary, but rather with my future. I have played a losing game & gambled all my chips away, on something so intangible yet so real & precious - it's called LOVE. Nothing new to anyone, doesn't need rocket science to understand that word, yet what it entails is highly profound. What I am left with now is a huge pile of ruins, which I had to wriggle myself out of, pick up the many, and I really mean many pieces, dust myself off & move forward.

I actually hated myself. For who I had become of, for what I did, for the people whom I had hurt during that fateful period, especially the pain that I had inflicted on C. I was at total loss, in an optimal state of confusion, & very, very remorseful. IF & only IF, I have a chance to choose again, I would never, ever want to hurt anyone, including myself in the course of my confusion which led to an uncontrollable depression. I wasn't even sane of what I had done. I got derailed & was thrown off-track so badly that I was engulfed by pain, anger & resentment. I hated myself for making wrong decisions from the onset, that landed myself in an awful predicament that I beat myself up so hard, & losing my dignity, self-esteem & more importantly, losing C. I turned myself into what many would term as - a psycho bitch. I have never, ever in all my years as a survivor, imagined that I would derive to such a state. I am all responsible for the decisions that I had made, the very, very wrong ones. I have truly hurt the person whom I love so dearly.

I have nothing left & everything seems to go against my forces now. No job, with a depleting savings account, a mom who is fighting cancer & undergoing chemo treatment, no proper place to put up. I have shunned away from most of my friends, worrying that they would questioned me about my situation & I am just not ready to face anyone to relate the encounter to. I just want to be in my own solitude, with God. Yes, that's the ONLY being I am left with, my only HOPE. Jesus is my only hope now. He is the only being who truly empathizes, understands & feels my plight & pain. The only being who has true compassion to what I had gone, am going & will be going through. He is the only being who is standing by me, listening to my cries, my weeps in my sleep & comforting me. He is my only source of strength that I can draw from, for it is said in His Words that "I AM - The Life, The Rock, The Fortress & The Refuge that you shall seek".

I am keeping my walk very, very closely with Him, everyday, every moment. For I believe, & firmly believe that He will never leave nor forsake me, bcoz I am His precious child, I am the Righteousness of God in Christ! I had turned my back & walked away from Him, but He has never left me. I had refused His voice, yet He was still patiently waiting for me. I had gotten angry with Him in several occasions but He has never rebuked my frail faith. That's the true, agape LOVE of my LORD! All these years of toiling, with my own stinking effort, in search of happiness & fulfillment was actually a futile effort. I was turning my eyes on worldly satisfaction, from my career, from humans; I negated the Cross - the man who had given up His life some 2000 years ago, who was hung on the Calvary, for all my infirmities, afflictions, pain, agony & transgressions. I had ignored my walk with Him; but now, I am coming home to you Dad, please take me back.

"Dear Abba Daddy, I want to go home. Let me bask in Your love for me. Let my eyes be on You only. Let me walk closely with You. Let me heal in Your mighty arms, in my dear Lord Jesus' name".