The pain last night was suddenly excruciating... It almost engulfed my entire being. That feeling was awfully unbearable & it was the cause of my very own obstinateness once again - the adamance to unravel the truth. I found, I got hurt, I was in great pain. Again, it was a choice of my own, a decision that I had made even when I knew it would have gotten me down emotionally & mentally.
The irony is, even when I knew of certain things, I have yet gotten the answer I have been searching for. So what was the entire point of digging skeletons out of the closet? It only made me more frustrated, hurt & confused. Wasn't all these acts of mine too foolish? I wasn't really thinking nor rationalizing. All I knew was "This shall be the final (which was not final to be honest) of me finding out things about C. After this, I shall steer clear from all information of him & really move on, to heal myself..." Who was I kidding??!!! Non other than myself! I was even hoping & trying to "manipulate" God into consenting to my actions. I had no contrite of my actions, but only to crash & burn after that, feeling all lousy, hurt & more confused again. Why was I so persistently obstinate? Why hadn't I listened to God's voice & His gentle promptings? Why was I still relying on my own stinking efforts in wanting to find out more of C & hoping to salvage things between us? Why was I still basing on my own limited knowledge, zero wisdom & trying to draw certain conclusions out of this? Why was I trying to be self-righteous? Who & what was I trying to defend?
I was angry, very, very frustrated about my situation. Why couldn't I just snap out of it? Why didn't God just reveal to me & show me the answer that I needed to see? Why didn't God defend my situation? Why didn't God intervene into my situation when He has the authority & power to? Why, why, why, & so many other whys.....? I had so many, so many questions in my head that I almost broke down. I still came to no answer. I teared, prayed, lamented, prayed again, cried again, & still no answer. I gave up, plugged in my earphones, listened to sermons & read His words to gain my sanity & composure back, then lulled myself to sleep. The thoughts never left my head. They are still there, haunting me, creeping in like thieves, trying to steal my peace & joy. I prayed to God to remove them, & also to remove that feeling, that love, that desire I have for C. I prayed & cried out to Him to take away all the pain from me, or at least make the pain more bearable for me. I was hurting a lot, I am still hurting & I will continue to hurt until I learn to truly reply on Him & to really listen to His voice.
A friend told me that I am going through a very tough training with God, but I will be transformed. I am waiting for that transformation.
"O Abba Daddy, I don't know what else to pray now or anymore. I am sure You know what I am going through & what will the days be like ahead of me from now. I just pray for peace & let me be still, so that I can discern Your voice clearly. In Jesus' Name, Amen."
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