I have been keeping conversations with God, & nope, I am not going insane nor am I schizo. The truth of the matter is, these conversations I have had are actually keeping my sanity. Many will think that Christianity is a religion, but the truth here again is, it's a relationship between mankind & God. It's not just a believe, it's a daily walk, a daily talk & daily fellowship with my loving Abba Father & with Jesus.
It was indeed through the constant fellowships that I came to know the heart & the greatest love of all from Him. I couldn't really speak with anyone about my entire issue sprawled nakedly out to them for 1, I was still not entirely comfortable in revealing certain details about C to others, & 2, the moment I started talking about what had taken place in the past few months, I couldn't help but to beat myself up so hard, to blame myself so much that it carried a ton of self-condemnation in my already very heavy heart. Then 3, if I were to really relate all the encounters to anyone, it would probably take days to finish & cover all the explicit details, when I am already feeling drained & beaten by the whole episode of my own soap opera. I just wanted things to rest, to simmer down & to blow over so that I could move forward & start life afresh.
And so, I decided to talk to God. Bcoz I knew that He was more than willing to listen to me without making me feeling that I was imposing, or I was naggy, or even whinny. There was no limitation to what I could say to Him, no time nor place factor, no need for appointment nor checking for availability. All I did was to open my mouth & heart, & the floodgate to whatever that I had wanted to shout, spew & spout would open its way to His ears. Most importantly, I knew that I would never feel condemned when I spoke to Him. At times, I would hear Him through His words, but there would instances when I did not get my answers too.Then I would have to wait upon Him, for Him to reveal the answers to me. Perhaps, there may not be an answer to each of my question, but I do know that my Abba Father will lead me a way.
I felt a compelling urge for me to tell Abba about how contrite I was towards C. How I had bullied, manipulated & abused his love for me. C was sweet, truly sweet to me. I was the unappreciative monster, taking advantage of the love he had for me. I mistreated & mishandled him & the relationship we shared & built. I was the murderer who killed that love he had for me. I destroyed everything that we had painstakingly built for the past months, including the future that we were working towards. I felt totally remorseful. I cried out to God & begged Him to have mercy on all my wrong-doings. I prayed that He would also take away all the pain & hurt that I had inflicted on C, so that he could move on with his life not having to remember about all these hurt. I cry out to Abba everyday & night that I am in a lot of pain bcoz of the remorse & guilt that I am bearing. I have let Him down greatly, I have put myself to shame, I have truly hurt the man I love so dearly. I destroyed a very precious thing that I held so closely to my heart. I feel totally helpless about my situation now, not knowing what else I can do, but only to let go & let my Abba take over.
I really want to say these words to C - "If you ever have a chance to read this, I am truly sorry for what I have done, I was undeniably an awful & ugly monster. Perhaps I did not & do not deserve your love, for I have no capability to handle it well & love you the right way. I am learning, but I know it's all too late. I don't blame you, for you deserve someone better, who can love you the way you are. I am truly sorry that I have hurt you so deep & have caused you so much pain. If I ever have a chance & a choice again, I would never, ever want to hurt you like how I did, but it's all too late now. I am learning, in my own solitude, I will pray for you everyday that you will be healed of the pain & hurt, so that you can move on with your life happily. I do love you, & still do, very, very much, hence I have to let you go & free. For you to seek for your true love once again. I am sorry baby, please forgive me, for I do not know how to love you the right way. I am sorry baby, for I can't walk with you for the rest of your life no more. Please be happy & I will always, always, love you from where I am."
"Abba Father, my prayer today will be for C. Heal him of his pain & hurt, so that he can move forward happily. Bless him & his entire household. Watch over him & not let him stumble again. I love C & please let this love I have for him be hidden & kept within myself. I know You love C as Your child too, & hence, bless him with happiness, in Lord Jesus' name. Amen."
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