Re-visiting The Hurt

I had made plans to go over to C's place this morning to collect some of my belongings, but the main bulk of my stuff are still sitting in his room. On my journey there, I felt that I had a ton of butterflies in my stomach & hence I started praying continuously for strength & peace in me when I see C later. My heart was palpitating so fast that if I have a weak heart, I would probably die of a cardiac arrest. I was having panic attacks in the car till I could feel nausea churning up in my throat. My brother who was with me tried comforting me as he saw I was turning green from the anxiety.

Why was I feeling this anxious? Why was I behaving as if I was going for an execution? The answer - I was afraid of facing the cold, hard & hurtful truth that C had probably prepared again for me. The truth of the death of our relationship. The sliver of hope that I was hanging so dearly on, would probably be dashed yet again by his stand of being adamant on putting an end to all that we have, what we had built & the future that we were working so hard for. I was afraid of being hurt by his coldness towards me & probably the harshness of his words. But alas, who could I blame but myself? I had brought all these upon myself. The punishment that I had to go through for my wrong-doings & the damage done to him & the relationship.

When I finally got to C's place, I saw the room that we built together. A strong gush of pain overwhelmed me again. This was the room that we had spent most of our times together. I was fighting back my tears, fighting real hard not to weep. I missed this place, & more importantly, I missed our memories & him.  Most of the stuff in the room was pretty much still the same, except for the most important things - our memories of the love that we once pledged for each other, were gone. He had taken them down for he did not want to be reminded of it. That was the time that I couldn't hold my tears back anymore, that I had to ask my brother who was with me all the while to leave the room so that I could be alone, packing my things.

Then the part which I had feared for most finally came. He asked me to make that fateful decision to pen my signatory on the papers to void the apartment that we have applied for. The only hope that I am left with of us, was again dashed. Was I prepared for this? No... No matter how much & hard I had willed & psyched myself to take it with a good stride when he voiced out his decision, my heart would never fail to cringe & bleed. I tried to talk him around again but it was futile. He was still very adamant. I was again been pronounced a sentence of death, the death to the relationship, the death of my final appeal for a final chance. Was I being stubborn? Yes. I was still fighting for the love I have for him, fighting for that chance to love him the right way again, fighting for what is all worthwhile. Was God with me? I don't know.

I left C's place with a very broken heart. I deserved it. This was my punishment for hurting him. The sentence that I am serving & probably a life sentence that I have to serve. I couldn't help but to beat myself real hard again bcoz of the remorse. I really hate myself for turning into an awful, ugly swine of destruction! "GOD, HELP ME! WHERE ARE YOU?" This was what I was crying out aloud in my heart & in my mind on my way back home. My brother stole some glances of me when we were driving home, but he didn't speak much except for - "I know you are in a great deal of pain, so cry as you may wish to." This was probably the first time that he saw his elder sister crying so badly for I had always been a very tough & hard person to him. I finally broke down in front of him. I cried uncontrollably in the car throughout our entire journey home. The pain was just too much to bear.

I am sure what C is going through now, is definitely not any lesser than mine. I can actually feel the pain & struggle that he has to put up with everyday too. The thought of it made me feel worse of myself. I have really hurt this man whom I dearly & truly love. "I don't deserve him God! I probably deserve to be dead! Please heal him Abba Father! Take the pain away from him! If You, can impute all the pain that C is going through now on me so that he can be happy, I beg of You to do so, Abba Father!"

"I am truly, very sorry baby. Please forgive me for I know I have hurt you greatly. Please, please, please tell me what could make you happy? I will do it. If it will cost me my happiness in the future to trade for yours, I will. For a very simple & true reason - I LOVE YOU."

"O Lord, I am helpless, lost & broken. Please give me the strength to heal. Please give C the strength to heal too. Please take away all the pain in C for I truly want him to be happy. Abba Father, please tell me what I should do now? Please guide me & show me Your way to my situation. I need a miracle Abba. I can't do it, only You can. I am surrendering this thing entirely onto Your great hands for You said - Surely, that Jesus has borne all our pain & transgression on the Calvary & by His stripes WE ARE HEALED! Let Your healing manifest in us Abba. Let Your love & peace fill our hearts, in Jesus' name I pray, Amen."

Conversations with God

I have been keeping conversations with God, & nope, I am not going insane nor am I schizo. The truth of the matter is, these conversations I have had are actually keeping my sanity. Many will think that Christianity is a religion, but the truth here again is, it's a relationship between mankind & God. It's not just a believe, it's a daily walk, a daily talk & daily fellowship with my loving Abba Father & with Jesus.

It was indeed through the constant fellowships that I came to know the heart & the greatest love of all from Him. I couldn't really speak with anyone about my entire issue sprawled nakedly out to them for 1, I was still not entirely comfortable in revealing certain details about C to others, & 2, the moment I started talking about what had taken place in the past few months, I couldn't help but to beat myself up so hard, to blame myself so much that it carried a ton of self-condemnation in my already very heavy heart. Then 3, if I were to really relate all the encounters to anyone, it would probably take days to finish & cover all the explicit details, when I am already feeling drained & beaten by the whole episode of my own soap opera. I just wanted things to rest, to simmer down & to blow over so that I could move forward & start life afresh.

And so, I decided to talk to God. Bcoz I knew that He was more than willing to listen to me without making me feeling that I was imposing, or I was naggy, or even whinny. There was no limitation to what I could say to Him, no time nor place factor, no need for appointment nor checking for availability. All I did was to open my mouth & heart, & the floodgate to whatever that I had wanted to shout, spew & spout would open its way to His ears. Most importantly, I knew that I would never feel condemned when I spoke to Him. At times, I would hear Him through His words, but there would instances when I did not get my answers too.Then I would have to wait upon Him, for Him to reveal the answers to me. Perhaps, there may not be an answer to each of my question, but I do know that my Abba Father will lead me a way.

I felt a compelling urge for me to tell Abba about how contrite I was towards C. How I had bullied, manipulated & abused his love for me. C was sweet, truly sweet to me. I was the unappreciative monster, taking advantage of the love he had for me. I mistreated & mishandled him & the relationship we shared & built. I was the murderer who killed that love he had for me. I destroyed everything that we had painstakingly built for the past months, including the future that we were working towards. I felt totally remorseful. I cried out to God & begged Him to have mercy on all my wrong-doings. I prayed that He would also take away all the pain & hurt that I had inflicted on C, so that he could move on with his life not having to remember about all these hurt. I cry out to Abba everyday & night that I am in a lot of pain bcoz of the remorse & guilt that I am bearing. I have let Him down greatly, I have put myself to shame, I have truly hurt the man I love so dearly. I destroyed a very precious thing that I held so closely to my heart. I feel totally helpless about my situation now, not knowing what else I can do, but only to let go & let my Abba take over.

I really want to say these words to C - "If you ever have a chance to read this, I am truly sorry for what I have done, I was undeniably an awful & ugly monster. Perhaps I did not & do not deserve your love, for I have no capability to handle it well & love you the right way. I am learning, but I know it's all too late. I don't blame you, for you deserve someone better, who can love you the way you are. I am truly sorry that I have hurt you so deep & have caused you so much pain. If I ever have a chance & a choice again, I would never, ever want to hurt you like how I did, but it's all too late now. I am learning, in my own solitude, I will pray for you everyday that you will be healed of the pain & hurt, so that you can move on with your life happily. I do love you, & still do, very, very much, hence I have to let you go & free. For you to seek for your true love once again. I am sorry baby, please forgive me, for I do not know how to love you the right way. I am sorry baby, for I can't walk with you for the rest of your life no more. Please be happy & I will always, always, love you from where I am."

"Abba Father, my prayer today will be for C. Heal him of his pain & hurt, so that he can move forward happily. Bless him & his entire household. Watch over him & not let him stumble again. I love C & please let this love I have for him be hidden & kept within myself. I know You love C as Your child too, & hence, bless him with happiness, in Lord Jesus' name. Amen."

The Walk

I have been staying real close to the word of God on a daily basis, to a point that whenever I am awake, I'll start reading the daily devotional or the Gospel. With the predicament that I am in, that's the only thing that is real to me, that keeps my sanity, that keeps me going & thriving to be alive.

For the past few months, I felt that I was losing my mind, losing myself & even losing my soul. I fought a defeated battle & was thrashed thoroughly to ruins. I almost or could have just lost my life to a fatal slit of the knife on myself. Geez... What did I do?? To the people whom have known me, this came as a shock to them. Many would ask, just what was it that had happened during these months, could have changed me - from someone who is tough, confident, capable, full of ambitions in life & relatively happy, to who I am today - a nobody. I am like a piece of debris picked from the ruins of my own destruction. A very painful destruction. A consequence that I have to pay with a very heavy, hefty price. Not monetary, but rather with my future. I have played a losing game & gambled all my chips away, on something so intangible yet so real & precious - it's called LOVE. Nothing new to anyone, doesn't need rocket science to understand that word, yet what it entails is highly profound. What I am left with now is a huge pile of ruins, which I had to wriggle myself out of, pick up the many, and I really mean many pieces, dust myself off & move forward.

I actually hated myself. For who I had become of, for what I did, for the people whom I had hurt during that fateful period, especially the pain that I had inflicted on C. I was at total loss, in an optimal state of confusion, & very, very remorseful. IF & only IF, I have a chance to choose again, I would never, ever want to hurt anyone, including myself in the course of my confusion which led to an uncontrollable depression. I wasn't even sane of what I had done. I got derailed & was thrown off-track so badly that I was engulfed by pain, anger & resentment. I hated myself for making wrong decisions from the onset, that landed myself in an awful predicament that I beat myself up so hard, & losing my dignity, self-esteem & more importantly, losing C. I turned myself into what many would term as - a psycho bitch. I have never, ever in all my years as a survivor, imagined that I would derive to such a state. I am all responsible for the decisions that I had made, the very, very wrong ones. I have truly hurt the person whom I love so dearly.

I have nothing left & everything seems to go against my forces now. No job, with a depleting savings account, a mom who is fighting cancer & undergoing chemo treatment, no proper place to put up. I have shunned away from most of my friends, worrying that they would questioned me about my situation & I am just not ready to face anyone to relate the encounter to. I just want to be in my own solitude, with God. Yes, that's the ONLY being I am left with, my only HOPE. Jesus is my only hope now. He is the only being who truly empathizes, understands & feels my plight & pain. The only being who has true compassion to what I had gone, am going & will be going through. He is the only being who is standing by me, listening to my cries, my weeps in my sleep & comforting me. He is my only source of strength that I can draw from, for it is said in His Words that "I AM - The Life, The Rock, The Fortress & The Refuge that you shall seek".

I am keeping my walk very, very closely with Him, everyday, every moment. For I believe, & firmly believe that He will never leave nor forsake me, bcoz I am His precious child, I am the Righteousness of God in Christ! I had turned my back & walked away from Him, but He has never left me. I had refused His voice, yet He was still patiently waiting for me. I had gotten angry with Him in several occasions but He has never rebuked my frail faith. That's the true, agape LOVE of my LORD! All these years of toiling, with my own stinking effort, in search of happiness & fulfillment was actually a futile effort. I was turning my eyes on worldly satisfaction, from my career, from humans; I negated the Cross - the man who had given up His life some 2000 years ago, who was hung on the Calvary, for all my infirmities, afflictions, pain, agony & transgressions. I had ignored my walk with Him; but now, I am coming home to you Dad, please take me back.

"Dear Abba Daddy, I want to go home. Let me bask in Your love for me. Let my eyes be on You only. Let me walk closely with You. Let me heal in Your mighty arms, in my dear Lord Jesus' name".

Healing

The pain last night was suddenly excruciating... It almost engulfed my entire being. That feeling was awfully unbearable & it was the cause of my very own obstinateness once again - the adamance to unravel the truth. I found, I got hurt, I was in great pain. Again, it was a choice of my own, a decision that I had made even when I knew it would have gotten me down emotionally & mentally.

The irony is, even when I knew of certain things, I have yet gotten the answer I have been searching for. So what was the entire point of digging skeletons out of the closet? It only made me more frustrated, hurt & confused. Wasn't all these acts of mine too foolish? I wasn't really thinking nor rationalizing. All I knew was "This shall be the final (which was not final to be honest) of me finding out things about C. After this, I shall steer clear from all information of him & really move on, to heal myself..." Who was I kidding??!!! Non other than myself! I was even hoping & trying to "manipulate" God into consenting to my actions. I had no contrite of my actions, but only to crash & burn after that, feeling all lousy, hurt & more confused again. Why was I so persistently obstinate? Why hadn't I listened to God's voice & His gentle promptings? Why was I still relying on my own stinking efforts in wanting to find out more of C & hoping to salvage things between us? Why was I still basing on my own limited knowledge, zero wisdom & trying to draw certain conclusions out of this? Why was I trying to be self-righteous? Who & what was I trying to defend?

I was angry, very, very frustrated about my situation. Why couldn't I just snap out of it? Why didn't God just reveal to me & show me the answer that I needed to see? Why didn't God defend my situation? Why didn't God intervene into my situation when He has the authority & power to? Why, why, why, & so many other whys.....? I had so many, so many questions in my head that I almost broke down. I still came to no answer. I teared, prayed, lamented, prayed again, cried again, & still no answer. I gave up, plugged in my earphones, listened to sermons & read His words to gain my sanity & composure back, then lulled myself to sleep. The thoughts never left my head. They are still there, haunting me, creeping in like thieves, trying to steal my peace & joy. I prayed to God to remove them, & also to remove that feeling, that love, that desire I have for C. I prayed & cried out to Him to take away all the pain from me, or at least make the pain more bearable for me. I was hurting a lot, I am still hurting & I will continue to hurt until I learn to truly reply on Him & to really listen to His voice.

A friend told me that I am going through a very tough training with God, but I will be transformed. I am waiting for that transformation.

"O Abba Daddy, I don't know what else to pray now or anymore. I am sure You know what I am going through & what will the days be like ahead of me from now. I just pray for peace & let me be still, so that I can discern Your voice clearly. In Jesus' Name, Amen."

My Inaugural Blog

I have never imagined, wanted nor even contemplated to start a blog of my own. For I was never comfortable about reiterating my life story to others, let alone publishing it on cyberspaces. However, a series of events that took place in the past recent months had spurred me on to journal my thoughts. In hope that, after several weeks, months or even years later, when I turned back the pages of my life, I could see the footprints I had left that depicted a journey which I had chosen to embark on, that marked the lessons I had & must learn.

I remembered my brother once told me that life is like an adventure. It is full of excitement & surprises awaiting for us to explore. I applaud the bravado & the positivity. However, just how many will actually take the plunge of "blind faith" into the unknown? I would & I did. Yet the truth of the matter is, not every decision made was wise & politically right - BUT it was still a choice that should not warrant any regrets, even if it might or would leave me grieving over it for years due to the hurt & detriments done. More importantly, I value this journey that I had taken, for it had projected a very different perspective about life to me.

There are choices to everybody. We make our own decisions & hence we are also responsible for the decisions. The choice to love, the choice to leave eventually, the choice to wait & hope in vain, the choice to live in pain, & finally the choice to move on. Then came the choice to pluck up the courage to love again & then the choice to be destructive to the love that was painstakingly built. I could have beaten myself real hard for this, & yes, I did. Real hard. Why did I so stupidly & foolishly destroy something that I held so dearly & closely to my heart? The answer - I don't know. Oxymoron as it might sound, I wished I had the know-how.

The only solitude that I seek now is GOD. In Him, I find peace & healing. I pray that He will lead me to the answer that I need & am seeking. It is through Him, that I will find my way.

"Abba Father, I am the prodigal child. Take me home, clothe me & feed me with Your Words & Wisdom that I may be well again."