It's been awhile since my last blog entry. What took place during these couple of months was a great mixture of highs & lows, from a pedestal, to a rut. To put it blatantly, it was a messy concoction of sweetness, blissfulness, loveliness mixed with a jarring contrast of frustration, resentment, despondency, dejection & rejection. What a great emotional holocaust!
I was in two-minds if I should even inscribe the series of events that had taken place, but decided against it. What's the point of ranting continuously on the past? I have done that way too much with my close buddies. Everyone, including myself, got so tired & drained of hearing & relating to my soap-opera encounters. It's time to let the past go, to start life afresh, on a clean slate. Sounds cliche? Oh yeah, this is the typical textbook type of advise that any sane & well-intended being would give isn't it? When push comes to shove, that's where the real challenge lies - the journey of getting over & healing.
There were nights when I would hide under my covers. crying my eyes out, with absolute desolation, there was no one in sight, no one in mind, except Jesus. There would also be days when fond, precious memories of what I had with C crept stealthily into my mind, an excruciating pain would arise within like multiple stabs of knives, plunging deeply into my heart, ripping every artery that eventually led to yet another opening of the floodgates of tears. There was no one in sight, no one in my company, except Jesus. I couldn't recall just how many of such days or nights had gone by, & I couldn't measure how much tears was shed. But I do know that God will take my tears of yesterday & turn it around for good. That's the ONLY hope I have, & the ONLY hope that I m grabbing onto for my dear life. I have lost 2 most precious loves in this failed relationship, I have even lost myself, including my self-worth. I am reduced to zilch, & that's when I am solely depending on God to restore ALL things back into my life. Tough as it may seem, challenging as it will be, but I am not about to give up before putting up a good fight to win my life back. I have exhausted much of my tenacity, laboring & trying in strife to mend the tainted love & relationship with C. I am truly drained. But I know I have the strength of Christ in me, that will pull me thru this harsh period, or rather, I only have the strength of my all beloved Abba, to pull me out of this rut that I am in.
A close friend asked me recently, if I do hate C. My answer was a firm "NO". I don't hate him at all. Neither am I angry with him. Truth of the matter, I still love him a lot, but it's no longer reciprocal. C's heart has stopped beating for me 2 months back, his love has dwindled & eventually died; I don't blame him. With the amount of scornful contentions occurring in the relationship, it was just legitimate that C would turn his back & walk away. Yes, it was painful & it still is. Very, very painful indeed. But I have to resign to the verdict passed as it was his prerogative to want to lead a happier life without me. I want him to be happy. That was the last I could do for him - to let him go & to set him free. I still miss him a great deal. I still cry whenever I think of him & us. The memories will always be deeply etched in my mind & more deeply in my heart. Will I be able to love again? I don't have an answer & I don't even wish to think & derive to an answer.
What lies ahead of me now, I do not know. The only one thing I do know is, I have to move on. How long it will take, I am not sure. I don't even want to set a time frame to it. I just submit all to Abba - to let go & let God.
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