I had made plans to go over to C's place this morning to collect some of my belongings, but the main bulk of my stuff are still sitting in his room. On my journey there, I felt that I had a ton of butterflies in my stomach & hence I started praying continuously for strength & peace in me when I see C later. My heart was palpitating so fast that if I have a weak heart, I would probably die of a cardiac arrest. I was having panic attacks in the car till I could feel nausea churning up in my throat. My brother who was with me tried comforting me as he saw I was turning green from the anxiety.
Why was I feeling this anxious? Why was I behaving as if I was going for an execution? The answer - I was afraid of facing the cold, hard & hurtful truth that C had probably prepared again for me. The truth of the death of our relationship. The sliver of hope that I was hanging so dearly on, would probably be dashed yet again by his stand of being adamant on putting an end to all that we have, what we had built & the future that we were working so hard for. I was afraid of being hurt by his coldness towards me & probably the harshness of his words. But alas, who could I blame but myself? I had brought all these upon myself. The punishment that I had to go through for my wrong-doings & the damage done to him & the relationship.
When I finally got to C's place, I saw the room that we built together. A strong gush of pain overwhelmed me again. This was the room that we had spent most of our times together. I was fighting back my tears, fighting real hard not to weep. I missed this place, & more importantly, I missed our memories & him. Most of the stuff in the room was pretty much still the same, except for the most important things - our memories of the love that we once pledged for each other, were gone. He had taken them down for he did not want to be reminded of it. That was the time that I couldn't hold my tears back anymore, that I had to ask my brother who was with me all the while to leave the room so that I could be alone, packing my things.
Then the part which I had feared for most finally came. He asked me to make that fateful decision to pen my signatory on the papers to void the apartment that we have applied for. The only hope that I am left with of us, was again dashed. Was I prepared for this? No... No matter how much & hard I had willed & psyched myself to take it with a good stride when he voiced out his decision, my heart would never fail to cringe & bleed. I tried to talk him around again but it was futile. He was still very adamant. I was again been pronounced a sentence of death, the death to the relationship, the death of my final appeal for a final chance. Was I being stubborn? Yes. I was still fighting for the love I have for him, fighting for that chance to love him the right way again, fighting for what is all worthwhile. Was God with me? I don't know.
I left C's place with a very broken heart. I deserved it. This was my punishment for hurting him. The sentence that I am serving & probably a life sentence that I have to serve. I couldn't help but to beat myself real hard again bcoz of the remorse. I really hate myself for turning into an awful, ugly swine of destruction! "GOD, HELP ME! WHERE ARE YOU?" This was what I was crying out aloud in my heart & in my mind on my way back home. My brother stole some glances of me when we were driving home, but he didn't speak much except for - "I know you are in a great deal of pain, so cry as you may wish to." This was probably the first time that he saw his elder sister crying so badly for I had always been a very tough & hard person to him. I finally broke down in front of him. I cried uncontrollably in the car throughout our entire journey home. The pain was just too much to bear.
I am sure what C is going through now, is definitely not any lesser than mine. I can actually feel the pain & struggle that he has to put up with everyday too. The thought of it made me feel worse of myself. I have really hurt this man whom I dearly & truly love. "I don't deserve him God! I probably deserve to be dead! Please heal him Abba Father! Take the pain away from him! If You, can impute all the pain that C is going through now on me so that he can be happy, I beg of You to do so, Abba Father!"
"I am truly, very sorry baby. Please forgive me for I know I have hurt you greatly. Please, please, please tell me what could make you happy? I will do it. If it will cost me my happiness in the future to trade for yours, I will. For a very simple & true reason - I LOVE YOU."
"O Lord, I am helpless, lost & broken. Please give me the strength to heal. Please give C the strength to heal too. Please take away all the pain in C for I truly want him to be happy. Abba Father, please tell me what I should do now? Please guide me & show me Your way to my situation. I need a miracle Abba. I can't do it, only You can. I am surrendering this thing entirely onto Your great hands for You said - Surely, that Jesus has borne all our pain & transgression on the Calvary & by His stripes WE ARE HEALED! Let Your healing manifest in us Abba. Let Your love & peace fill our hearts, in Jesus' name I pray, Amen."
